A turtle without a shell
A reel I posted recently on Instagram went viral. When I analysed why, I think it's because it shared the perfect analogy for daughters without their Dads.
It’s always a bit weird posting about losing my Dad. I do it because it feels good to share a little piece of him with the world, and because I like making people feel things. I believe we’re all just here to spend as much time with our people as humanly possible, so any chance to drive that message home is one I’ll take.
It wasn’t the 375,000+ views, but the thousands of saves, shares and comments saying, “me too.” There are hundreds and hundreds of people sharing a little bit about their dad. Sometimes the date they lost them, how they cared for them or simply something about their story so we could all get to know them, just a bit.
It felt like I had unintentionally created a dead dad’s club, one none of us had asked to join but were now finding solace in.
As I reflected on what made this one reel do so well, here’s what I came up with.
Firstly, the music. I know we’re not allowed to like him anymore, but I’ll Be Missing You by Puff Daddy/P Diddy/Diddy is a banger and nothing can change that.
Secondly, it’s just a great clip. I’m putting numbing cream on dad’s arm for us to go and get matching tattoos, and we instinctively raise and ‘cheers’ our glad-wrapped forearms together at exactly the same time. Unrehearsed, impromptu, but captured forever on film (or iPhone, anyway). It’s a moment I will cherish forever.
But where I think it really found an audience was in the text over the top of the video:
“I don’t know who needs to hear this, but for all the daughters who’ve lost their Dads, it’s OK to feel like a turtle without a shell. You’ve lost your fiercest protector, I’d be concerned if you felt okay.”
The journalist in me is having some retrospective regret over my choice of words (‘lost’ twice in two sentences? ‘OK’ and ‘okay’? Pick a lane!’). But the creator in me is fascinated by the algotithmic alchemy, how some pieces of content catch fire and others (often those we’ve put significantly more effort into) just, well… flop.
Why did this one catch alight? I have no idea, but I suspect it has something to do with it tapping into the vulnerability that comes for daughters without their Dads. The ‘turtle without a shell’ analogy speaks to the fact that we’re all just giant babies roaming around trying to avoid the pokey-jabby stresses of life on our soft, overgrown baby skin.
When you lose a parent, your baby skin is on full display and you truly do feel (well, I truly do feel) like a turtle without a shell. And I guess lots of the people who engaged with the post felt the same.
So, how do you operate in the world when you’ve lost your first and fiercest protector? The one who made you a medal when you first swam 50m on your own? Who took off his shoes and got on stage with you at your ballet concert because you were paralysed with stage fright? Who studied child psychology and worked at a childcare centre so he could become the very best Dad he could be?
You learn to live without a shell, and move differently through the world as a result. Hopefully more gently on yourself, and more gently on the people around you.
While not much of a consolation prize, I do think the new vulnerability a gift - and one I am grateful to carry with me, even if it comes with also having to carry The Ache.
In my 40th birthday video, which I received after he’d passed away, Dad said:
“Just keep doing what you’re doing honey. We did something very special, you and I.”
And we did. We really did.
So I’ll keep sharing our story and inspiring others to do the same. Because us turtles have to stick together.
Casey x
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